A Professor of Medicine...

A Professor of Medicine, a man well known for his earnest and oft-proclaimed Temperance views, was (yet again) lecturing the medical students on the damage that alcohol can do. To demonstrate its effect on the nervous system, he took a worm and dropped it into a glass of gin & tonic. The worm wriggled around for a few minutes before finally giving a few convulsive twitches and dying.
“And can we deduce anything from that?”, asked the Professor with the triumphant air implying that only obvious conclusion could be drawn.
“Yes,” came a voice from the back, “if you’ve got worms, drink alcohol.”

http://www.medical-jokes.com/category/medical-jokes/psychiatry-jokes/ 

A man goes to a Psychologist ...

A man goes to a Psychologist and says, "Doc I got a real problem, I can`t stop thinking about sex." The Psychologist says, "Well let`s see what we can find out", and pulls out his ink blots. "What is this a picture of?" he asks. The man turns the picture upside down then turns it around and states, "That`s a man and a woman on a bed making love." The Psychologist says, "very interesting," and shows the next picture. "And what is this a picture of?" The man looks and turns it in different directions and says, "That`s a man and a woman on a bed making love." The Psychologists tries again with the third ink blot, and asks the same question, "What is this a picture of?" The patient again turns it in all directions and replies, "That`s a man and a woman on a bed making love." The Psychologist states, "Well, yes, you do seem to be obsessed with sex." "Me!?" demands the patient. "You`re the one who keeps showing me the dirty pictures!"

http://www.jokes-db.com/jokes/psychiatrists-jokes

Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline

Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline. If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2. If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6. If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press. If you are depressed, it doesn`t matter which number you press. No one will answer. If you are delusional and occasionally hallucinate, please be aware that the thing you are holding on the side of your head is alive and about to bite off your ear.

http://www.jokes-db.com/jokes/psychiatrists-jokes

A psychotic thinks that two..

A psychotic thinks that two and two are five. A neurotic knows two and two are four -- but he hates it.

http://www.jokes-db.com/jokes/psychiatrists-jokes

Neurotics build castles ...

Neurotics build castles in the sky. Psychotics live in them. Psychiatrists collect the rent.